Crimewatch alert – two patio chairs stolen from somebody’s garden. Panic!
It is hard to get worked up when I have relocated from Joburg (murder capital of the world) a few years ago.
When I moved into this idyllic country village in KwaZulu Natal I was quite sure that there were no criminals.
I mean people here actually have their names outside their gates - something no-one would do in Joburg - tsotsi's would know your name ... and they may just nick the sign for the hell of it.
But here people still have sweet little names on their houses - Azalea Cottage and Bramble Bee and all these little names from Enid Blyton.
But I hear via the local chat group that crime is rising to new levels.
I stroll into the police station to have a look at their log book - OMG!
Yes definitely a shock to the system - not one but two patio chairs stolen from somebody's porch and someone else is missing a hedge clipper.
Call the police commissioner and let's get a crime watch started. There are already rumblings about doing patrols at night - a kind of gentrified lynch gang.
Old men with exaggerated recollections of their time in the army. Between them they may have a stick, a taser and a few 4x4s.
Personally I have only once had a home invasion - and that was very unpleasant. I went out to the shops and then came back to see all of our groceries spilled on the floor. It was chaos.
I was about to call the police when the gardener smilingly said that the police would have a hard time chasing the culprits - the resident troupe of monkeys.